She was still there

The friendships that matter most are never lost.

I still remember how I met my best friend, Heather.

We were at a happy hour for young professionals. It was the kind of event where close-talking guys who live in their parents’ basement try to impress you by talking about their new BMW while drinking a Yuengling.

Heather was a blonde, giggly, middle school math teacher, with a button on her purse that said, “math is cool.” I identified her immediately as one of my people. So I did something totally out of character and struck up a conversation. She didn’t seem put off, so we chatted about mutual friends, work stuff, and how… entertaining??.... some of the local young men were in attendance that night.

After that we talked on the phone every day. It was 2003 so we had those Nokia phones where texting was difficult. We talked about our parents, ex boyfriends, current boyfriends, reality tv, and all things early 2000s. I spent time with her and her parents, and when I met my future husband, she was the person I talked to about my reservations.

Heather was there on the day I gave birth to prevent me from killing anyone. If that’s not a measure of friendship I don’t know what is.

I don’t know when or why, but Heather and I stopped talking every day. There was no fight or precipitating incident. Maybe because my baby was high needs I stopped returning calls and texts. Perhaps she sensed how much I was struggling and didn’t know what to say. Even if I had been better at calling there wouldn’t be much to discuss because we were living on two different planets.

I’m embarrassed to admit I hadn’t noticed the disintegration of our friendship until I got the invitation to her wedding in the spring of 2012. I barely knew the guy. Had only met him once during a fourth of July party at her parents’ lake house.

I sat through her wedding feeling dejected. Took photos of her and my husband dancing. I hugged her parents because I missed them, too. But it wasn’t the same. Over the next couple years we got together a few times and there was never any tension.

When Covid hit Heather got sick. Like ventilator sick, and I had a complete meltdown. I was petrified she would die, and I’d never hear her giggle again and sing her favorite rap songs with her word-for-word.

Heather is the reason I listen to rap in the car to this day.

My behavior during her hospitalization felt entirely selfish because we’d barely spoken in the year prior. I tiptoed around and sent cards when she went home, thinking I’d be bothering her if I pushed for a visit.

In 2023 I worked up my courage and started texting her again. She responded. Then we got together and the guys drank bourbon and we caught up. We text about once per week and she explains 9th grade math, and the pluses and minuses of “AP” classes for teens who don’t yet have a life plan.

We recently went to a fundraiser for a local food bank we both support. We dressed in full 80s garb— track suits, side ponytails, and blue eyeshadow. After we (correctly!!) guessed the murderer during the murder mystery portion of the evening, we committed to spending time together this summer.

Yesterday, my husband reminded me that Heather is listed as the guardian of our son if we should die together in some fiery plane crash or something.

“Do you think we should change that?”

We made our wills when E was still an infant and Heather was unmarried.

I thought about it for less than a minute.

No. Heather is the only person I’d want to take care of him, even after all these years.

Heather knows me better than pretty much anyone on the planet.

I trust her more than most people on this planet.

Our friendship is not lost.

I thought it was.

But if someone is truly your friend, they are never lost to you.

Of course it’s scary to reach out if a lot of time has passed. It’s undeniably awkward.

But risking rejection or that scary … ….. …. on a text is usually worth it, even if it's been years. Better to know where the friendship stands than to let someone quietly become a stranger.

You might be surprised how fast ten years disappears over old school rap and 80s tracksuits.

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In YANTP I was only able to write some very short thoughts on friendship. I discuss reciprocity and masking and communication. I wish I could’ve written more.

Caroline Maguire, a colleague of mine, recently wrote a book on Friendship Skills for Adults with ADHD (amazon link). I haven’t been able to dig into it yet, but I’m guessing her advice is more well-thought-out than mine.

In the meantime—I’d love to hear your thoughts on friendships, lost AND found. I wrote that part of the book 3 years ago!!

Thanks for being here.

—liz

P.S. ADHD didn't just affect how I worked or focused — it shaped every friendship I've ever had. If you're a late-diagnosed woman trying to make sense of all of it, You Are Not the Problem was written for you. It comes out June 18th!

PPS workshop available next week for Parents

Filling the Gaps in Your Child's Support System
What tutors, coaches, and therapists can't do without you
Tuesday, June 16, 2026 at 1:30 p.m. ET

register here: https://impactparents.com/FillingtheGaps